It’s been a rough few weeks with a lot of things happening. I’m still here but not sure if that’s something to celebrate. I feel I’ve been emotionally skinned alive. I’ve put my trust in the psychiatric services and they’ve turned me down repeatedly. I don’t know where to go from here. Suicide is still a definite option, but sometimes I also want to live. But becoming well is scary. It takes a lot of hard work and I don’t know if I’m strong enough anymore.
The CMHT turned me down because I mentioned during my assessment that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get well. I had a med review yesterday and the doctor halved my antidepressant because he said that raising it a month ago had made no difference. His hands seemed tied when it came to altering the quetiapine because NICE guidelines don’t let you medicate for BPD, only for it’s comorbidities. Presumably I was showing no signs of psychosis. He said that BPD is a lifelong disabling condition and I have to expect bad times.
He dismissed the possibility that my gastric bypass is causing my pills to not be absorbed properly. I overdosed a couple of days ago. The second time in the last month. I made them aware of that at my med review and they didn’t even suggest a blood test. I also slashed my wrist that night. It bled a lot and the pills knocked me out but I woke up the next day in the bath with the bleeding having stopped. Couldn’t face going to a&e again because I was too embarrassed.
I talked to the doctor about how every suicide attempt and bad episode of self harm has occured in the days before my period. His suggestion was evening primrose oil and a healthier diet, although at present I can’t even make myself a sandwich. I am currently getting about two hours sleep each night. He said he was sure I knew about sleep hygiene and he wasn’t about to prescribe me any sleeping pills.
So there we have it. No help from secondary services. A gp I don’t get along with. Oh there is apparantly the possiblity of DBT in the next couple of years where I live. They were very enthusiastic about that. I can’t see past today let alone two years.
If my diagnosis was bipolar rather than borderline personality disorder would I be refused treatment like this?
Today in the news a BPD woman has been sentanced to 37 years in prison for killing a random stranger in the street. Before she did so she had rung the emergency services 5 times, saying that she was about to hurt someone. She’d even gone to her local hospital to ask to be sectioned because she knew she wasn’t safe. The judge dismissed her mental state as manipulative behaviour and sent her to a normal prison. The psychiatrist stated that she ”only had bpd”. If someone like her can’t get help then what hope is there for the rest of us?
I’m trying to take each day as it comes. My friends want me to be here. I can’t make them understand that much as I value their friendship, it alone is not a good enough reason for me to stay alive. I have to be doing that for myself. And I’m struggling a lot with that now.