On being fat

I’ve been a compulsive eater for as long as I can remember. I can remember being in trouble at 4 years old for eating all the chocolates in the house, but my problems spiralled out of control when I hit puberty. Partly due to the hormones I suppose, but mostly to do with the available cash I had from my paper round, all of which went on sweets until I started smoking a few years later lol.

My mother was as thin as a rake and that’s where the problems started. I really feel that if less emphasis had been put on my puppy fat as a child, I wouldn’t be over 20 stone now. Fat women were always pointed out to me with the promise that I’d end up like them if I didn’t stop eating. I was told I’d need to take more baths as fat people smell. That I couldn’t have long hair because it makes my face look fatter. At the time I was at the most, 10lbs overweight.

During my twenties I drank (a lot) which helped keep my weight down to a fairly acceptable level. But since hitting thirty I’ve gained at least 6 stone, especially since I left work last year. My day revolves around getting and eating food. I live on ready meals and snacks, despite loving healthy options and veg. The depression makes me so lazy and fatigued that just the thought of making a sandwich is too much for me a lot of the time so I buy preprepared food. Yet I have the energy each day to take a bus to my supermarket and buy binge food. So of course this fatigue is all in my head.

Today I was sent some photographs of myself taken recently on a day out. I barely recognised the woman in them. Huge arms. Rolls of fat and a disappearing chin. I look ten years older than I am. How did this happen without me realising? Perhaps because I refuse to have a full length mirror in the house.

Self harm scars can be hidden from most people. Drunkeness can often be explained away as socialising. But fat is seen by everyone. From the kids on the street who shout ”ugly cow” to the men in the pub who push their friend into you and shout ”she’s yours” whilst they all laugh.

Yes I eat too much. No I don’t exercise. Yes it’s my fault. God I know all that. But when you see that fatty on the street, stop to think for a second. Would anyone who was happy really let themselves get into that state? From the moment I wake up I panic about where I can get food from. I’m sat here right now obsessing about the indian food in my fridge. I’ve tried Weightwatchers, National Slimming Centres, Atkins, Caveman diet. I’ve tried swimming until someone laughed at me. I’ve tried exercise dvd’s at home but just can’t motivate myself. Every time I attempt to restrict my binges the urge to cut comes back ten times worse. So I have a choice between scars or fat. Hobsons choice. I wish I could starve myself.

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4 Responses to “On being fat”

  1. theveryhungrycaterpillarisbulimic Says:

    hi, i just wanted to say that i totally understand what this feels like, and living the obsessive compulsive life you do. Have you tried to find a hobby that would take your mind off food? even if you started reading, if ur too low to leave house yet. one of the best things u can do is go and tidy a drawer in ur house. sounds odd, but trust me, just try it and see what happens. I hate fatist people too. hugs x x x

  2. yorkie Says:

    thanks for the reply. nice to see more people stopping by. I’ve recently started making cards to keep myself occupied and that works a little bit. The trouble with food is that I can have that niggling, anxious feeling all day, but I know that I only need to eat to make it go away. So the temptation is very strong. Tidying a drawer sounds like a good idea. I’ll give it a go.
    hugs xx

  3. underneathsarah Says:

    This post nearly made me cry. I know how you feel. I spent the last year this way. Never leaving the house, eating as much as I could without vomiting. The only thing I hated was the food, but it was all I had. I am going to link your blog to mine. I’m a former borderline anorexic turned compulsive/binge eater, but I’m giving it a go to lose weight. I wish you the best, and I and I will be reading your blog from here out.

  4. conferencedepresse.net Says:

    Hey there! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iphone 3gs! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Carry on the excellent work!

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