trying to fight the urges

I want to OD. i want to cut my wrists. i don’t want to die. i want attention. there i’ve said it. i want attention. i want a couple of days in the hospital being looked after. but once i do it i can’t control the outcome and that is what is stopping me. i don’t want to be sent to the psych ward. i don’t want anyone in my house because it is dirty enough that kim and aggie would be scared to come in! i’d be so ashamed to let people know i live in this filth. yet if they knew i would probably get the help from the cmht that i need, so i’m not doing myself any favours by not telling them really. that inbuilt fear from childhood of not letting the neighbours know, is so ingrained in me.

there’s also the risk that the od would kill me by accident too. much as i would quite like to die, i can’t do it at the moment. my dad has cancer and is due to have his kidney out in a few weeks time. the last thing he needs right now is to organise a funeral. he’s on holiday this week and that’s why the urge is strong now. the thought that i could do this and be back home by the time he returns to the country. so he never needs to know about it. i resent him for being ill. i’m the one who’s meant to be ill! that’s what the child in me thinks anyway. my neighbours are away for the weekend. i’m feeling very alone. typical borderline. i slept all day to avoid the thoughts. got up and had to run to the shop before it closed to buy chocolate to binge on. thought it would help my mood. it hasn’t. hate being held to ransom by this bloody eating disorder.

i know i’m not suicidal and i know i’m not all that low. this is just a dip and i’ll get over it. i just hate it right now. i’m having a pity party and i hate partying on my own. aah well, just as well that i’m too lazy to walk to a and e tonight so i’ll probably just sleep this off on the sofa.

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4 Responses to “trying to fight the urges”

  1. Alison Says:

    I guess I am feeling the same, I dragged my parents out this morning to the retail park just because I needed something and I didn’t go alone, I overate junk in KFC and then when I’d had enough I wanted to come home and be alone… now I am here and feel isolated and the temptation to cut is very strong. The CPN called and left a message but I can’t be arsed calling back, the message from her gave me the impression she didn’t give a toss so why should I.

    I hope your dip rises soon and you are feeling a little more human again… take care.

  2. bippidee Says:

    thanks alison. spent the day sleeping on the sofa and feel a little better now.

  3. Lola Snow Says:

    I really applaud you for standing up and saying this is a desire for attention, to be looked after, and cared about. That is one of the hardest things to admit just to yourself let alone to post about it. I really admire your honesty, because recently I have had to admit a similar thing to myself with regards to my weight loss, and it was really tough. It isn’t fun to have to view yourself in that light, but I think it takes great courage to face up to it.
    I’m a fine one to talk, but perhaps to build on this you could consider what lies behind the wish to be taken care of. Do you want to be looked after because you can’t be nice to yourself? Is there a way you can learn to nurture yourself, and be kind to yourself? Do something nice for yourself, because believe it or not, you really do deserve it.
    Good Thoughts and apologies for the very pink and fluffy US chatshow comments…learn to love your inner child….
    Lola x

  4. bippidee Says:

    thanks lola. i have always had a huge problem with being nice to myself. a therapist once told me that my home is a reflection of my head. my home is a mess. i can do things for other people all the time but can’t give myself a nice home to live in. I spend days looking for the perfect birthday gift but begrudge myself a treat. A nice day out always has the payback of a day feeling low afterwards.
    I loved being in hospital. I loved having people care for me as though i was a child. Perhaps it stems from not having that warmth from my mother when I was growing up. She didn’t tolerate illnesses.
    I try to remind myself i am worth looking after. I went out and bought some face packs and a manicure set today. Little things i can do to nurture myself. It’s a daily struggle and i fail sometimes, but it gets easier with practice.

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