lack of motivation

I hate weekends. You wouldn’t think they would be so different, considering I can’t work anymore, but they are. Because outside these walls there are people having fun. Planning to spend time with their families. Waking up with a hangover after a night round town. The rest of the week is quieter. I can take a bus to the local shopping centre and know I’ll only bump into pensioners or mums with toddlers. But today isn’t safe. Today there will be so many more people to stare at me and judge me. Today I’ll see lots of couples walking hand in hand to remind me how alone I am. Today I might bump into ex colleagues from back in the days when I could put on the front of normality. I won’t be able to escape the awkward questions.

So today I’m staying put on the sofa with the curtains closed. Another day spent ignoring the ever growing pile of letters on my hall floor. Another day where I don’t wash the pots or do the laundry. Another day where I don’t have a shower or brush my hair, or even get dressed.

Because today, like most days, I just want to close my eyes and forget I exist in the same space as all of you.

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3 Responses to “lack of motivation”

  1. Lola Snow Says:

    Keeping the curtains closed at the weekend, is the only way I can deal with knowing that the world is still outside. I get so jealous of people with “Normal lives”, and just sit around giving myself sh*t for not being one of them.
    You aren’t alone though, and even by getting the motivation up to post is definately an achievement when you are that low.
    Hang on in there.
    Lola x

  2. Alison Says:

    I can relate, it’s amazing how when I worked I loved the weekends and the slowly they went the better… now I am completely the opposite and I hate them… so much so I did a runner this weekend and went to Sweden! I am just catching up with people’s posts… take care xx

  3. bippidee Says:

    that’s quite adventurous! i once had a breakdown, left uni and took my student loan to tunisia. much as i moan about the nhs, i don’t think i’d have enjoyed an african psychiatric ward though, so i’m glad i came home again. xx

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