I’m just going outside, I may be away sometime.

Hardly a polar expedition but i’m off to see the pdoc. If I’m not posting for a while, it’s because she’s over reacted and chucked me back on the ward. Actually, it’s more likely that she’ll boot me out the door and tell me never to darken it again. Jokes aside, I am nervous as hell. I’ve spent the night alternating between feeling a complete fake, to feeling suicidal. I’ve managed not to cut, but feel bad for that because it must mean I’m ok, and I don’t really want to be ok. So why am I going to ask for meds to help me get better? I’m so contradictory. I keep reminding myself that she’s not the enemy, and she can’t help me if I don’t tell her the truth. But I hate laying myself bare in front of someone who has power. I want to protect myself. For gods sake, she is not my mother. She is not going to hurt me. I need to remember that.

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2 Responses to “I’m just going outside, I may be away sometime.”

  1. Lola Snow Says:

    You are not ok.
    sorry sometimes we just need to hear it from someone else!
    Like today i have decided that because i had a good day yesterday that i am not anorexic, and am also a time waster!
    You have every right to go and ask for help. you are in pain, and without meaning to be rude, you are in a bit of a mess at the moment. you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. you didn’t cut, but could have, so you are safe but still ill
    well done for not cutting tho. that is a big step – and a bloody hard one
    good luck
    Lola x

  2. Madsadgirl Says:

    There is no doubt that talking with a psychiatrist always seems worse than talking to any other doctor. I think that is the picture that is created in our mind by the mad psychiatrists in books and films. They are really just normal human beings who want to help us to get well. Unfortunately, it is a fact that those of us suffering from mental illness all suffer at times with the inability to talk about how we are feeling and why we have those thoughts. You just need to be strong, and remember that by telling your psychiatrist what is troubling you and causing you to feel the way that you do you are halfway to finding the solution to your problems. Your psychiatrist is there to help, not to harm.

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