not doing too well right now. lots of problems filtering out noise. why do people whisper so loudly? keep mixing my meds up i think and taking too much effexor and not enough seroquel. or maybe not enough of both of them. don’t seem to have the right number of pills left until my next prescription but they might have got lost when i tidyed the flat.

xmas was ok. quiet but manageable. not sure why it’s suddenly gone tits up. stayed up all night then found myself on a bus this morning to the seaside. don’t really know why i did that. came home again without seeing the sea but i did get some bargains in the local woolworths before it shut. feel like i’m going quietly mad but i’m doing it behind a thick pane of glass where no one can hear me. i want to throw the pills away and cut but i have to stay in control until dad is better. his chemo starts in a couple of weeks. i hate him for making me stay alive. i hate the pills for turning me into a fake.

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2 Responses to “”

  1. Alison Says:

    Jeez, it feels so scary to read what you write, it’s like you reached into my head and stole my thoughts. At the moment as much as I want to end my life I am keeping going for mum but I so want to give up, to give up caring, visiting, thinking, planning and everything that seems to go along with having someone you love in hospital. I thought I was handling mum’s possible kidney removal op well in February but I am not I have this terrible feeling she’s not going to make it and this Christmas was our last… you are the first person I told that too, the first time I wrote down those words.

    Take care of yourself, thinking of you and your family xxx

  2. bippidee Says:

    have had the same thoughts about this xmas with my dad. even struggled to choose presents for him because i didn’t want to buy something he might not get much use out of. how daft is that? i feel like my continued life is intrinsically meshed with his own life span. Once he’s gone I can go too. Rather like betting on a horse and not being sure if i want it to win or not.

    dad has actually recovered very well from having his kidney out. i think it’s been about ten weeks now and he’s regained all the weight he lost and is out walking for miles again. if it wasn’t for the diagnosis and the upcoming chemo i’d say he was healthier than he has been for years. cancer is such a strange disease.

    You take care too hon. Hope your mum stays well xx

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