Looks like my mood has stabilized again thank goodness. I slept through the day and woke feeling refreshed and calm for the first time in days. I did have a rather strange dream though, which featured an old therapist, some ex friends and a large shopping centre! I argued with everyone, became violent and was dragged off by the police. A very strange dream, but it looks like I worked all the anger out in it because none spilled over into waking hours.

I received a letter from the pct today, asking me to take part in some research into bpd and psychotic symptoms. Naturally it has made me reflect on the last year, in particular the strange thoughts and voices I was experiencing in Summer. I’m in two minds as to whether I should participate in the research. Am I really psychotic? The seroquel has removed whatever symptoms I had and with hindsight I wonder if they were just the product of an over active imagination. They do seem very distant. I do definately experience paranoia when I’m stressed and perhaps I then imagine weird and wonderful things which become true. Shadows in mirrors etc. Are the voices I hear just my low self esteem talking to me? I guess that at the basis of these thoughts is the fact that I feel like a fake. A wannabee patient who receives extra attention for those extra symptoms? But then I do vaguely remember the mocking voice which followed me round for weeks, telling me I was deformed, or that I was going to be arrested. I did hear it. But I always knew deep down that it was just my insecurities voicing themselves. It’s been a while since I’ve had any of the visual hallucinations and I’m so happy about that. Again though, I think they were more the release of angry feelings than actual psychosis. I just don’t like that word. Psychosis. When I read my medical notes they said ”no sign of mental illness” so why hadn’t the symptoms been picked up on over the years? I suppose because I kept quiet about them, fearful of a schizophrenia diagnosis. But surely someone would have noticed if they were real?

Arrgghhh I hate this self doubt. I wish doctors could just see inside our brains and tell us what was wrong, because I sure as hell don’t know.

Anyway, today I am calm and relaxed and happy. I’ll enjoy this current mood and try not to tie myself up in knots with something I can’t solve.


4 Responses to “And………………relax.”

  1. Lola Snow Says:

    Glad you’re in a better place Bip. Weird dream huh? I ended up dreaming about Thomas the Tank Engine the other night, but I hold Cellar Door responsible for that.

    As for the hallucinations, that’s the torturous part of mental illness, not trusting your perception. I feel the same about my last little “Icecream Van” music-hearing-incident. It becomes just like a bad dream, ridiculous in the light of day but the minute night falls, bang real again. I don’t know what to suggest, only if it’s going to upset you don’t do it.

    Lola x

  2. bippidee Says:

    Thomas the Tank Engine? Maybe you should run it by that wacko Christina over on her dreams blog. She has the cure for all mental illness you know.

  3. Lola Snow Says:

    I heard that. I’m still on probation for biting my last dream analyst, so y’know, better wait until I’m in the clear. Perhaps I’ll send her my dream journalS, fresh, brown and juicy in a ziplock bag….

  4. Alison Says:

    Like you I seem to hear voices in the same context but have never discussed them with the professionals because I don’t know if they count as being hearing voices… the whole I hear voices things confuse the hell out me. The same with the hallucinations aspect of mental health.

    I am glad to read your mood has improved and things have settled down. Long may it continue.

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