Back from the darkside

Doesn’t time fly when you’re a depressive? I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last posted. Sorry to anyone I may have worried by being absent. I’ve been isolating myself from almost all who know me, both on the net and in the ‘real world’. That doesn’t mean that things have been particularly bad. I just started to feel like all I ever talk about or think about is mental health. I’ve begun to feel very bored of myself. Yet I can’t escape it. I think about mental health issues probably as often as a teenage boy thinks about sex. They govern my life. If it’s not anxiety, it’s low moods, or voices, or aggressive thoughts, or pictures of my death. I am scared of being by myself, of having so much free time to sit and ponder where I have failed in my life, to make plans for my early demise, to worry about going completely ga ga, or to look forward to going completely ga ga. In the last few weeks I haven’t been able to cope with downtime. At home I need the constant reassurance of the background noise from the tv, or a book to read, anything to occupy my brain. Because as soon as I don’t have that distraction, the thoughts come back.

Unfortunately I then go through days of not being able to bear the noise from the tv. People’s voices are too loud and irritating. When I try to read the text jumps around and I can’t manage more than a page. Sleep evades me, despite the medication. I feel wound up so tight I’m going to explode. But fortunately this temporary madness seems to disappear just before it gets so bad that I can’t cope with it anymore.

It has been an eventful few months. Dad recently received his all clear from cancer. He is physically very well again but it appears to have left him with Victor Meldrew Syndrome aka grumpy old fart disease.  I lost three stone on the lighter life diet, which is basically a starvation diet which brought on the symptoms of anorexia. Now I’m back to bingeing each day and regaining all the weight. My nuisance neighbour has calmed down after being threatened with court proceedings if he continued to harrass the rest of the street. I spent the summer watching Big Brother and staying up too late, which is probably what has caused my recent relapse. Now I’m looking forward (not) to that time of year where the days draw in again and I start to evaluate what I have acheived in the last year. Of course that makes me feel low again because I’ve done nothing but drift through the year, spending my days shopping, eating and sleeping.

I desperately need some structure in my life. A daily routine which involves more than just trying to get dressed and go out to buy cigarettes. I’m stuck in this rut and terrified of crawling out of it. I’m dreading the upcoming changes in the benefit system where I will most likely be told to get a job. Being around people, dealing with targets, just getting dressed and showering regularly is just too much right now. It’s been too much for several years. But that’s partly because when you don’t have to try anymore, you end up going backwards. I’m far less capable than I was three years ago. But is that because my mental health has deteriorated? Or is it because I have given up? A kick up the backside from the job centre might be good for me. But it might also send me into a BPD spin and end up with another trip to hospital. Now that Dad is better, I feel less inclined to hold on and stay well myself. If it wasn’t for the cat I’d probably have given up months ago. But I know I can combat those feelings by getting out and about and meeting friends etc. It’s just that the 5 yr old in me is screaming ”I DON’T WANNA”.

Oh and I finally got round to having Sky + installed and bought a nice big tv. I have become the stereotypical benefits scrounger. My goal for the next year should be to get pregnant and buy a Staffy.

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10 Responses to “Back from the darkside”

  1. Alison Says:

    It’s early but my email inbox told me you had made a blog post so I’m saying ‘Hello’ I am so pleased to see a post from you and read that you are okay… I have been worried… I’m just about to set off to college but I promise to write more to your post laters.

    I am really pleased to hear your Dad got the all clear from the Kidney cancer, that must have been the best news for you all, as for the grumpy Victor Meldrew syndrome – I have nicknamed my dad that because he’s Victor only about 1000 times worse!

  2. Lola Snow Says:

    I’m so glad you posted Bip, don’t be sorry for needing to take a break, I did much the same not so long ago. It’s very easy to get drawn into feeling like MH issues are all you have in your life. It seems natural that they would be on your mind, if your life is affected so much by them.

    So you need structure in your life, eh? Do you have any support at the moment, or any idea how you can get into some sort of routine? Have you been seeing anyone at all? Friends etc? It sounds like you’ve realised that isolating has made things difficult for you? Sending you a hug from an internet stranger.

    Lola x
    (Internet Stranger)

  3. Alison Says:

    I am in agreement with Lola… everyone needs a break at times especially with the internet and sometimes MH just get on top of us that we just want to scream ‘back off’ … I’m just glad your okay even though we only kind of know each other through blogs you worry about people when they don’t post for a while and you kind of keep coming back to check… so I am glad you are okay… I had visions of you being arrested for doing something to your neighbour!

    Pretty much what Lola said… are you getting any support, CPN or support work, crisis team or anything… I can only guess whilst your dad was getting his treat you where there for him and that would have been quite tough on you for a while.

    If you ever need to offload… there are plenty of internet strangers out here willing to lend an ear to listen! Just grab my email from the comment box and drop me a line!

    Take care x

  4. Bearfriend Says:

    Hi. This is the first time I’ve visited your blog. I’ve spent the summer binge eating (having spent the previous 3 months on a strict diet) and sitting indoors being really depressed. I abandoned my previous routine so now I have virtually nothing to do. The only thing which is keeping me roughly sane is blogging – I started in August – and the occasional meeting with my CPN.

    I hope you have some support. Not sure why you think they will pester you to get a job – there’s a major recession on so I think the chances of them finding you a job are fairly miniscule. Unemployment is still rising. Are you on DLA? This would ensure that you won’t be pestered.

    My inner child is really reluctant to do anything as well. P*sses me off big style.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

  5. Alison Says:

    I keep checking in to see how you are?

  6. Tanisha Says:

    Being lonely in a crowded room. Feeling sad and not knowing why, not being able to sleep, waking up in the morning not being able to move, giving up your life out of no choice, crying for no reason, making a demon appear in your head. Listen to its horrid world making your life spin in circles not knowing what path to take. The dead end of a road. The coffee black peice in your soul, not resting till the end of time, never leting it forget you, eating your soul, mind and heart. Try to run as you will, you life will be taken. Draging you one foot at a time into hell. The suicide you wish you could have just to end the pain. Pity when you hate others sympathy. Self hatred, sadness, anger, darkness, deadly, lonely, sorrowing, regreting, perpetual, and killing. Giving up your dreams to be stuck in the enternal force of demonic gravity. It is a world. It is my life.

  7. Louise Says:

    Come Back

  8. Maggie Maguire Says:

    I have serious mental health issues, am on benefits, have no job as yet and have a staffy. Interestingly I live in a housing commission suburb and there are staffys everywhere!

    They go with the territory! You sound like you are in England. Moi? Australia. Keep writing.

  9. kevin blumer Says:

    i write on my blog about BPD every night something for me to do have to agree like life as a depressed person does go fast when things are going good but if bad times come well i forget about time and space and i go into my own little world

  10. ladiethowdoigetabs Says:

    ladiethowdoigetabs…

    […]Back from the darkside « Life from the sofa[…]…

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