Archive for March, 2011

Shhh! don’t let anyone know I’m mental!

March 2, 2011

Haven’t been here for a very long time unfortunately. I tend to be like that with projects. Start them off then get bored, then a few years later I come across the remnants of some art and craft stuff in a box, usually worth a small fortune, and remember that I was going to be the next big thing in knitting / card making / painting / sculpture with fymo etc etc. The most recent was fairy cakes. I bought tons of stuff for them, including several recipe books, ten different colours of icing etc, then made some buns which came out tasting something like suet.
So anyway, the blog. I guess the reason I haven’t been here is that bpd has just taken a backseat for a while now. I’ve been stable.
I don’t know if that’s down to the meds or simply because I’ve done everything I can to destress my life, but things have just been ok.
Don’t get me wrong I still have my moments. Occasional low moods, big shopping sprees, compulsive eating (more on that to come) and general feelings of grumpiness. But I’ve tended to find that when shit happens, it doesn’t bother me like it used to.
to be honest I’m pretty certain it’s down to the quetiapine. It’s hard to get stressed when you’re doped up to your eyeballs. It still takes my tongue several hours to wake up each morning. I call that the kerry katona effect.

I have however found the cure for depression! His name is Baxter and he is an 11 month old beautiful red boxer dog, who came to live with me as a little puppy and changed my life completely. I actually leave the house three times per day now, or two when it’s raining, because I have to take him down to the field for his walks. I actually have to talk to other dog walkers on there, and guess what? I enjoy it.
Of course Chloe the cat took umbrage and left home shortly after Baxter’s arrival. She still turns up occasionally for food and even came indoors when it was snowing, but she appears to have relocated to another home. I’ve tried everything to entice her in and even forked out for an outdoor cat kennel (deluxe version bought during a manic spree) which is used by most of the cat population on our street.
So Baxter is curled up next to me snoring away, no doubt dreaming of his dalmation girlfriend or the sausages in my fridge.
The sausages are his, not mine. I’m on the slimfast plan. Only occasionally I supplement it with Haagen Daz icecream. The reason for the diet? I’m on the waiting list to have a gastric bypass. Yes I’m taking the ‘easy way out’ hahah. Major and life threatening surgery in a last ditch attempt to look normal. It’s taken a year to get onto the list and I had to pay for private cbt before tptb would accept that I was sane enough to deal with the post op diet.
So that’s another reason why bpd has taken a back seat. I CANNOT BE SEEN TO BE ILL. So I can’t phone the helpline or let my gp know things aren’t great. I can’t self harm and I can’t be hospitalised. And you know what? Having the operation as a goal seems to have really helped me to stay on track. The cbt didn’t help at all. £90 per hour got me a lovely decorated room to sit in and spill my guts, but homework has never really been my thing. Maybe it’s the exercise I’ve been doing which has kept me well. Who knows?
but the upshot is that I’m doing really well for now, I should be much thinner soon, and I’ve postponed my next relapse until after the surgery lol.

Things that aren’t going so well:
dad’s cancer came back and is terminal. He suffers a lot of pain right now and we’re in the process of waiting to see if he can take part in a clinical trial to buy him some more time.
Also, I feel as though I’m waiting for the sword of damacles to fall. Yep, the welfare reforms. So is there anyone out there who would like to give me a job?
I can work afternoons providing I can have an hours nap during my shift. Or I could work mornings as long as speaking isn’t required. I’ll need an average of 3 months off per year to go cry into a pillow and I’m not great with people so a nice little booth of my own with a Leave Me Alone sign on it would be great.
Work history? Well nothing for the last 4 years or so. Let’s just say ‘travelling’ shall we? Prior to that, hmm lets see. I can spin on a chair very fast and you’ll see a huge increase in your office vending machine profits. I’m fantastic at debating, although i will require a week off if everyone doesn’t agree with me. I make great coffee too, and only spit in it for one week out of four.
Oh I’d need to bring the dog with me. He has abandonment issues.