You say: You have great insightI think: Don’t patronise me!
You say: What do you want us to do for you? I think: I want you to listen and be kind to me and say you care and tell me it’s not fair. I need you to come to my house and help me open my mail and hold my hand whilst I listen to 3 months worth of voicemails, but I can’t possibly tell you that or you’ll think I’m needy so I’ll need to make some stuff up about needing help with setting goals or creating a crisis management plan.
You say: Did you know you can phone in for a repeat prescription to save you coming to the surgery? I think: He hates me. He doesn’t want me here. He wishes I would go away and die. Everybody hates me.
You say: You show no signs of mental illness I think: Why does nobody beleive me anymore? Why are my low moods less real than a depressives? Why did you tell me I was mentally ill for 20 years then suddenly tell me I was just badly behaved? Where do I fit? How do I hope to get better if I’m not sick in the first place? Try spending one day as me and then tell me this isn’t mental illness. What do I have to do to prove to you that I hurt inside? Do I have to cut or overdose again to make you see I’m in pain?
You say: Hospitalisation is no good for you I hear: We don’t care if you kill yourself.
You say: Do you feel like hurting yourself tonight?I think: I don’t know how I’m going to feel 5 minutes from now, but if I say yes you’ll think I’m lying and send me home anyway, and if I say no, you’ll be pleased with me for sticking to the script and letting you off the hook, so I’ll say no and just not let anyone know if I injure myself.
You say: Have you thought of getting a job?I hear: Why are you living off the state. There’s nothing wrong with you and I’m going to say as much for your next ATOS medical.
You say: I’ve had a good read of your notes I think: I may as well go home now.
You say: I feel you’re at low risk of completed suicide I think: Next time I need to do it properly and you will lose your job for not beleiving me. And I know that’s fucked up but I don’t care about risking my life I just want to prove to you that I am serious about not wanting to be here anymore.
You say: This is all just part of your condition. I feel: It’s my fault for being a bad person.
You say: We can offer you some short term helpI feel: You think I’ve manipulated you into doing this. It’s a token gesture. You’re going to dump me like everyone else because you don’t think I’m genuine. You don’t care. Nobody cares. there’s no point in me taking the help because I can’ open up to someone who doesn’t want to hear.