I am inundated with these every day at the moment. the plans used to be more abstract and almost a comfort but lately they seem so much more real and demanding. They are worst in the afternoon when I try to have a nap and can’t. I get really tired during the day and a couple of hours sleep on the sofa used to be something I looked forward to.
But they are mostly thoughts of attempting suicide and being rescued and hospitalised. My overdose last weekend didn’t result in this. I fell asleep and woke up the next day. My first thought that I was lucky so that must show I don’t want to die.
But I have this urge to increase the seriousness of the attempts and to take more risks and am fairly ambivelent about the possibility of death.
Today I thought about going down to the railway line, drinking some alcohol and taking enough quetiapine to knock me out, then lay next to rather than on the line and wait for someone to notice and come get me. the risk being of course that I’ll get confused and stumble onto the tracks anyway.
Then I thought that perhaps that would be a good thing if it happened. I know I wouldn’t have the guts to do it unless I was able to pass out and go to sleep on the tracks.
I think about going down to the local park and hanging myself and seeing if anyone will notice in time to cut me down and rescuscitate me. Or sitting on the bridge over the river in the middle of the city and falling off and seeing if the police boat finds me in time.
Common theme is of course being rescued. Of putting my life in someone elses hands.
but on top of this is a feeling of inevitability. Of knowing that at sometime in the future, maybe years from now, a suicide attempt will kill me. And of feeling that it’s ok, that I want it to, that it is my fate.