Archive for February, 2013

ESA Transfer. I knew it had to happen eventually but they don’t half pick their moments.

February 15, 2013

So the dreaded brown envelope dropped through the letter box today. I am to be assessed for transfer from the old Incapacity Benefit, Income Support and Severe Disablement Allowance, to see if I qualify for the new Employment and Support Allowance. An advisor will phone me in the next two weeks to make an appointment. I won’t answer the phone because I have major problems with that at present, due to anxiety, so they will probably just send me an assessment form out shortly.

I still haven’t heard back from the CMHT to see if they will put me on their books. Of course they will now think that I just manipulated them because I didn’t want to lose benefits.

I’m more fortunate than most benefit claimant in that I receive quite a large amount each month. But even so, I’ve struggled to cope financially in recent months, what with ever increasing gas and electric bills. There is absolutely no way I could cope on basic benefits.

I thought that when the letter finally arrived I would be distraught and scared. But it didn’t bother me at all. I just can’t get worried about it because I suppose I’m still not planning to be around for much longer anyway. I read so many horror stories about the ATOS medicals that I know it won’t matter if I tell them the truth or not. If they need to meet their quota they will declare me fit to work. I am never going back into the workplace again. It pushes every single button for me and makes me ill. I’ve tried repeatedly and lost each job to this BPD. I finally had some semblance of a normal life when my doctor told me not to work anymore. Doing a bit of housework and walking the dog is about my limit for the day. When I used to have a job I would exhaust myself from pretending to be normal all day, then come home to a house where the curtains were closed for years on end and you couldn’t see the floor for the mess. I fell out with all my colleagues because my paranoia affects all personal relationships. I had frequent thoughts of going postal. Now I am able to pick and choose my social interactions and it takes so much of the pressure off. I would be incapable of even walking into the job centre every two weeks to sign on, let alone go on one of their ridiculous job seekers courses. One way or another It’s just not going to happen.

In limbo

February 12, 2013

The CMHT team will have sat and decided what to do with me today. Presumably they will either phone or write to me in the next few days to tell me to feck off and manage on my own. It will probably be a letter, in order to avoid any confrontation. Had a nice half hour today planning which train line to sit on, but then had a nap and felt more together. I run out of meds tonight and can’t find my prescription anywhere in this tip of a flat. Was contemplating coming off them completely as a kind of self harm thing, by giving myself some horrible withdrawals. But I’m not sure I could cope with a week of no sleep.

Am watching old episodes of Blackadder as a distraction technique tonight, and eating some M&S hot cross loaf which is the yummiest thing I’ve eaten in a long time. No money now for another 3 days and only £3 left in the gas meter but I still shopped for food at M&S today lol. Sod sense and eat cake!

CMHT assessment

February 7, 2013

Well I made it there for 9am which was an acheivement in itself. Whether there was any point is another matter. The assessment was done by a trainee social worker, with her boss sat in with us. They basically just went through stuff which is all on my notes anyway, a brief history of my madness through the ages. A lot of the questions seemed to be leaning towards a way of offloading me onto someone else, such as ”have you ever thought of doing any courses at Mind?”, ”have you ever thought of doing any nightcourses anywhere else?”, ”so you have two friends who are a good support?”. No I don’t want to go to Mind as all their courses here are based at getting back into employment which I don’t want to do. No I can’t currently do any nightcourses because I don’t have the confidence or money and don’t like going out at night into town. And yes I have two fantastic friends but they don’t live anywhere near me and also have mental health issues of their own, which I don’t want to trigger by offloading my problems onto them.

They will discuss me at their team meeting on Tuesday and then will get back to me within the week. I’m pretty certain I will be referred back to my gp and will perhaps be given a medication review by a psychiatrist over at Bootham, our local hospital.

I probably came across as far too aware and together. The only time I showed emotion was when they asked about childhood, which is a difficult subject for me, and my leg betrayed me by shaking throughout. I didn’t tell them about my urges to selfharm and I didn’t really say how bad the suicidal thoughts are right now. It’s hard to be truthful when you are expecting to be rejected though.

So we’ll wait and see.

Why does feeling better feel wrong?

February 3, 2013

The last couple of days have been so much better. I’ve managed to complete some housework, walk the dog, read a book. I feel calm and relaxed. I don’t like it and I don’t trust it. How can I enjoy feeling well when it simply negates the maelstrom of emotions I felt last week? How can I be suicidal one day and considering home improvements the next? How can I present myself at the assessment with the community mental health team next week and ask for their help, when I don’t need or want it?

I still think about suicide but dispassionately. The urge has gone. But the thoughts are there because I feel I need to complete what I started. I feel guilt for having put my friends through so much worry. I am a manipulator, attention seeker. The only way I can prove those feelings were genuine is if I end my life. The only way I can prevent putting them through that again in the future is to end my life. Yes, people will grieve, but only in the short term. Better to put them through that than to keep coming back every few years demanding attention when I can’t cope on my own.

I think the main problem is that whilst not feeling down anymore, I am unable to see a good future. All I can envisage is being sat in some nursing home 40 years from now, looking back and knowing that my life had absolutely no meaning. I acheived nothing. What’s the point in that?

No job, no kids, no partner, no home of my own. Can’t drive a car, failed exams, repeated depressions and suicide attempts, self harm, lifelong eating disorder, personality disorder. I am defective. They’ve tried to break me down and put me together again and it failed. I failed. Don’t worry, I’m not going to top myself tonight. But knowing that is an option, that it is my fate, gives me comfort.