ESA Transfer. I knew it had to happen eventually but they don’t half pick their moments.

So the dreaded brown envelope dropped through the letter box today. I am to be assessed for transfer from the old Incapacity Benefit, Income Support and Severe Disablement Allowance, to see if I qualify for the new Employment and Support Allowance. An advisor will phone me in the next two weeks to make an appointment. I won’t answer the phone because I have major problems with that at present, due to anxiety, so they will probably just send me an assessment form out shortly.

I still haven’t heard back from the CMHT to see if they will put me on their books. Of course they will now think that I just manipulated them because I didn’t want to lose benefits.

I’m more fortunate than most benefit claimant in that I receive quite a large amount each month. But even so, I’ve struggled to cope financially in recent months, what with ever increasing gas and electric bills. There is absolutely no way I could cope on basic benefits.

I thought that when the letter finally arrived I would be distraught and scared. But it didn’t bother me at all. I just can’t get worried about it because I suppose I’m still not planning to be around for much longer anyway. I read so many horror stories about the ATOS medicals that I know it won’t matter if I tell them the truth or not. If they need to meet their quota they will declare me fit to work. I am never going back into the workplace again. It pushes every single button for me and makes me ill. I’ve tried repeatedly and lost each job to this BPD. I finally had some semblance of a normal life when my doctor told me not to work anymore. Doing a bit of housework and walking the dog is about my limit for the day. When I used to have a job I would exhaust myself from pretending to be normal all day, then come home to a house where the curtains were closed for years on end and you couldn’t see the floor for the mess. I fell out with all my colleagues because my paranoia affects all personal relationships. I had frequent thoughts of going postal. Now I am able to pick and choose my social interactions and it takes so much of the pressure off. I would be incapable of even walking into the job centre every two weeks to sign on, let alone go on one of their ridiculous job seekers courses. One way or another It’s just not going to happen.


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